The Phone Saga

I tried and continue to try getting a phone at home.
First I called up the local phone company from a friend's office here at work. It is very quickly established that due to my complete lack of credit (due to my existence being "virtually non-existant" on a scale of "non-existant" to "citizen") I would not be able to have a phone set up. But I had checked online, and they seemed quite content online (with the same phone company) to set up a phone line with just my SSN. So I thought I'd go back to the checking online business, and I inform the lady I'm speaking with about this. She asks me where I am in California, and I tell her Bakersfield. She's like, oh wow! I'm in Bakersfield also! What brings you here? And I tell her I'm teaching at the college (perhaps this will help establish my existence?). Oh! She exclaims excitedly, my son has just enrolled there! What do you teach? I teach Geology and Earth Science. Oh, my son would LOVE Geology, I'm sure of it - what's your name again and I'll tell him to enroll in your class. Okaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy...
It continues... My niece goes to Bakersfield College too - but she only takes classes at night due to her schedule, do you teach anything at night? Yes, Earth Science is an evening class. Can I get a phone?
By the end of the super bizarre phone call we were able to determine that:
1) Her family might really like taking my classes and
2) I would not be able to get a phone by phoning until I had a drivers license

So I went online. I ordered up a phone line activation. All went smoothly, I printed off the confirmation, and at the end of the day that I was supposed to have phone action I picked up the line and heard no dial tone. SOOOOOOOPER! So I call, from my neighbour's borrowed cell phone between classes on my busiest day from my office, which is surrounded by construction, and enquire as to why my promised phone line is not working.
They need to see my passport they say. My passport? Could you have mentioned that at ANY point during the process of requesting a phone? Or perhaps before sending me a confirmation that my order was completed successfully when it CLEARLY wasn't. The guy I'm talking to gives me a fax number where I can send a copy of my passport in order to continue with the order. Then he asks if he can interest me in any of their other great services today.

-much needed interruption-

I also tried to get internet set up by this same company. They offer phone services and internet services. Much like Bell/Bell Simpatico in Canada. Could I get internet set up? NO. Why? They needed:
1) a working phone number
2) CA driver's license

And so we continue with the phone conversation. Well, since you can't set up my phone line until I fax you proof of my existence, I don't think that you actually CAN interest me in any of your other great services, CAN you? They guy didn't get it.

Today I faxed my passport over to the phone people and attempted to get back to work - although all I've done today is DMV stuff, faxing, phoning, and now, blogging - absolutely no lecture prep whatsoever... Anyway, I get an e-mail from the secretary at the Dean's office (where I've been doing my phoning and faxing, due to lack of technology in my office as of yet) telling me that they received a phone message from the phone people, and that they want me to call them back. So I trudge on over to the Dean's office again and call back that damn automated phone system AGAIN and after they continue to not understand me, I'm connected to an actual human, and I give my order number, and the situation and that I've been asked to call then back. Did my fax not go through properly? Do they want a blood and urine sample? What? What could they possibly want now?
The lady checks... apparently they were calling to thank for sending the fax and confirm that my order is now complete. Yeesh.