Thursday, February 09, 2006

Bike Police

Today I was finally able to ride my new bike into school, as I had finally received the sole plates for my shoes AND had finally put them together. Despite a nagging mucous problem (read: head cold), I was happily zipping into work owing primarily to FINALLY getting to ride "Vent Noir" (or Artemis, as her pseudonym goes - even though "vent" is masculine), and owing partially to my having changed my office hours from Wed. am to Thur. am.
ANYWAY, I arrive on campus and unclip a foot to begin the slow and careful student dodging that is a part of my "get to my office" bike routine, no sooner does this happen when I am stopped by the Bike Police. Yes, police riding around on bikes on campus to stop people from riding around on bikes on campus.

Here's why I think it's silly:

1) There are golf carts that drive around campus ALL THE TIME, they say they are "supportive services", but I mainly see them transporting the obscenely obese (hereby to be known as "OO"). Clarification: I have ONLY seen them transporting the OO. The day that I picked a ridiculous amount of oranges from the Ag Lab that's way across campus from my office I debating hitching a ride before my arms fell off, but ended up just dealing with rubber arms anyway rather than succumbing to American Laziness. Point being: the golf carts are not only significantly larger than people on bikes, but they also move significantly faster, thus posing a significantly greater threat to the general population (especially when equipped with the OO).

2) We should be ENCOURAGING the general population on campus to be MORE athletically inclined rather than LESS!!! A student that normally bikes or skateboards or rollerblades to school is then BANNED FROM ENTERING CAMPUS! What will they do? Will they happily remove themselves from their man-powered wheeled mode of transportation or will they begin to DRIVE to school instead?

3) The Bike Police are riding around campus on bikes.

A much wiser solution, one postulated by ultra bike-connaiseur Hot Hands, would be to have a strictly imposed speed limit on campus. To be heeded by golf carts, bikes, and rollerblades alike - this can still provide the bike police with employment thus suiting everyone's needs without compromising our inclination towards general fitness and perhaps, one day, reduce the quantity of the OO.


Josh said...

I would write letters. Serious ones. To the student union, newspaper and the president (of the university). That's ridiculous!

gnat said...

it's already in the works Josh! I'm glad us "fit folk" are all on the same page here!

rock buddy said...

You skinny fit foreigners come here and dare to criticize our national identity! We Americans have raised obesity to a national pride. With our war cry "SUPER SIZE ME" we shall outlive the runts when the famine comes. MMUUAHHAHAHAHAHAH ;)